Intermission
I’m at the intermission of Taxol; 6 down, 6 to go. I want to take a moment to celebrate, and also remark on its cumulative features. I’ve learned its patterns and adapted fairly quickly, although each week throws a new wrench in my plans. OH PLANS!!! I’m still making them, just more and more cautiously and less frequently. This week I felt depressed for a few minutes because I didn’t have anything to do requiring advanced amounts of my brain or talent of any sort. I wanted to rejoice that I’m now planning ‘resting,’ and I’m finding it but not without some despair. I want to be useful. “What am I doing with my time?” I am called to be of service in my life, yet right now I must serve me. It is a mysterious ride to be on, and I feel like I’m going around and around with it. I’ve been given great tools for this job, and miraculous support in all ways physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. How lucky is that? I’m still learning how to use the tools. It’s a bike I have not ridden yet. But I’m getting my balance and learning how the gears work on the uphills and downhills.
When we work on healing ourselves and learning to use the tools and practices we’ve been developing, we automatically start to heal others, and ultimately the world. It doesn’t require a terminal illness. It’s just the willingness to look at our inner selves and hear the messages from the universe. To hear the messages, we have to accept love from others in all forms it is offered. Sometimes it may be in the form of conflict, irritation, or even envy. Sometimes we refuse to accept love others want to give in the most obvious form - a compliment. Have you ever deflected a compliment or tried to prove someone wrong? Why did you deny them the offering? Because you want to believe them but won’t let yourself? I’m a classic deflector or explainer of how I fooled someone into believing in or seeing me. I’m working on simply saying ‘thank you.’ It’s very hard for me. Or I want to ‘pay them back’ in some kind of ‘you’re great too’ but right now I’m aware of my energetic weakness. So I’m just saying ‘thank you.’ And I feel genuine enough to say nothing else, and accept that gift of love I’ve been given.
What a huge relief! And in this liminal space yet again, I am finding my rib cage expanding and I’m breathing deeper. I’ve put down the ‘sandpaper cheese-grater’ that was causing so much friction to ‘figure it all out’ — my cancer, my nursing career, my life as an artist, my damn enneagram, my traumas, heartbreaks, and codependent guilt. It’s all a beautiful mess called my life peppered with incredible experiences, relationships, prolific creation, and intense life affirming interactions. Some are touchstones that will remain as my memories that become the stories of my life.
So it’s intermission, or halftime, or whatever it is that feels like a pause in the action. It’s the beginning of October, the month dedicated. to breast cancer ‘awareness.’ But what is that awareness anyway? Pink ribbons don’t do much for me. My instinct is to lean deeper into my own health and feeling good in my body; to make art and music without expectation; to put on hold any major career decisions; to stay open to messages from the universe; to receive the love and healing that is being sent my way.
Mary Gautier told me ‘you can’t write about the battle when you are fighting the war.’ I keep thinking about what that means.
