the in-between state
My PET scan last week showed normal-sized lymph nodes in the affected areas, a ‘positive’ response to treatment. Great news to hear at just under the halfway point of treatment. I have had four rounds of chemotherapy which consisted of the super-gross Adriamycin (aka ‘Red Devil) coupled with the skin and hair sabotaging Cytoxan. I know they are worthy of higher praises but our 8 week affair has come to an end and I’ve started a new relationship with Taxol (hey, at least its plant based!) So far it’s going well.
2 weeks prior to starting chemo when I was hearing my diagnosis for the first time, I had a conversation with myself about my drinking. Though I drank less than I used to, it seemed to be the right time to choose to be alcohol-free for the duration of my treatment. After all, booze has shown to increase estrogen in the bloodstream and HELLO I have an estrogen receptor positive cancer. Truly sounds like a no-brainer to me!
Ah, it sounds easier than it has been. Turns out reaching for a drink in a stressful time is more my jam than I thought! My lifestyle encourages the let-loose ability alcohol provides, whether it be a way to decompress after a stressful hospital shift, loosen up at a gig, or just shooting the shit with my friends on the back porch.
A couple months prior I had read an essay Margo Price wrote for GQ magazine. https://www.gq.com/story/margo-price-on-sobriety where she mentioned she’d made a choice to be alcohol-free while reading ‘Quite Like a Woman’ by Holly Whitaker. Inspired by her radical choice to reach toward living a better existence without alcohol, I decided to give the book a try.
Whitaker is a very entertaining writer and super smart. I felt a kinship with her. Though our circumstances were different I related to her reasons to ‘withdraw’ from herself with various addictions in order to tolerate the world. She delves quickly into what heavy drinking really is (8 little glasses of whatever a week if you are female!) and also points out ‘big alcohol’ is a hoax to get us addicted, controlled by the patriarchal society in which we exist in. ‘Alcohol’ can be replaced with virtually any addiction: work, love, weed, sugar, meth etc…
So when I heard 2.5 months into this hiatus the ‘good news’ my treatment was working, I really wanted a drink! The irony! Luckily my friend Katie stopped by with her wine but also an NA fancy fizzy drink for me that mimicked my need to celebrate. I was really grateful for that moment and it told me I am still in the middle of some profound changes.
Alcohol still has its hold on me. I still romanticize the good times, downplay the bad times, and look forward to returning to my friend circle in some type of ‘I beat cancer again’ victory lap. I might drink again, but it will be different. In this in-between state, I ebb and flow with the decision to be alcohol-free. I know I feel so much more hydrated, clear headed, and free of dependence. I’ve even cut way down on coffee! Hangovers can go to hell! I have more respect than ever for my friends in recovery. I have learned much from them and the best I can do now is keep taking it one day at a time.
Below is a haiku I wrote at the very beginning of this journey. I am still in the middle of finding my balance on a daily basis. I am grateful for all of the support I’ve been receiving along the way.
