different news
It’s been a strange summer. Late May I found a lymph node above my clavicle. I had it checked out and it showed to have cancer cells in it that were the same as my breast cancer from 5 years ago. Crap! Things were going so well! After scans and MRI’s were complete, it seems that it is localized to the area above my clavicle in my lymph node(s) only. The hardest part about it is sharing the news. After such a tough year out there I was really ready to get back at it. I have begun chemotherapy and will see where that leads me. So far I am feeling well and have good energy.
I felt like finding out this news suspended me into mid-air; my life hanging in the balance. Also, the idea of rushing into a treatment regimen that would last almost as long as a full-term pregnancy gave me the feeling I had whiplash. I took July to recalibrate and am also extending this recalibration period into August. It might continue on for the rest of my life. I have come to so many conclusions that have led to more questions which have led to more introspection. It’s a beautiful wheel to ride.
I’ve had 3 treatments of chemotherapy so far. I have one more of this kind, followed by 12 more of a different type. I have lost my hair once again and some of the side effects I’ve been experiencing are quite unsavory but I have vowed to stay active and also make some more lifestyle changes. The first time I had cancer (5 years ago) I found myself in a state of shock and my way to deal with it was ‘get this out of me as soon as possible so I can resume my life.’ Two surgeries and 4 big hits of chemo later I was ready to move forward into a new way to be.
What I want to be clear about here is that I didn’t ‘fail’ at keeping cancer away. My first thoughts with this new experience were of that ilk. I believe the trauma of the first experience I had with cancer made me feel ashamed that I got it again. Actually, I was ashamed that I got it at all. Everyone will say ‘but it’s not your fault’ and I would say that to anyone in the world but myself. So that is the source of where I begin. How DO I talk to myself?
That is a big question! And it leads to others: How do I feed myself? How do I work too much? How do I promote my art? What are the first thoughts that come into my head every day when I wake up, and what do I say to myself as I go to sleep?
How do I stop my mind from racing?
I don’t have the answers. But I do feel like I am finally having a dialogue with myself that is long overdue, and I have cancer to thank once again for making me stop for a minute and ponder some of these deep questions, and also reframe my own experience of living. I am looking at some of these patterns in me, and many of them are learned patterns over time, and unpacking where the root is. I’m weeding my own garden (as I’m finally finding the time to actually weed my garden!)
I might have to live with cancer. It may be something that I need to monitor for a very long time, as it is part of me. As I type this I am aware that the nodes have shrunk considerably to where I can no longer feel them. I would love to think they are totally gone and I believe and have faith that I will survive this ordeal and return to so much of what I love to do. I am, however, working on changing the environment in myself - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually where perhaps these little reminder cells won’t find a place to homestead.
I’m inviting anyone who is reading this to take a moment to think of how they talk to themselves, and if you find that you are being hard on yourself for whatever reason, try to change the sentence around. A tiny little bit of editing goes a long way in the conversation with the self. I still have a long way to go, and trust me A LONG WAY to go, but even a small shift can make a really big difference.
Big love to you, MP