A New Way to Be

‘ I was in overdrive, working overnights

hospital lights blind my red eyes

Feeling so tired of burning down to the ground

I didn’t know I was lost till I found out

It’s hard to believe a new way to be’

As I listened and learned the stories of my co-workers and we wrote the songs for this record, it dawned on me that my own story was an important one to tell as well. I can probably find myself in most any song that I have a part in writing, but sharing my own vulnerability is not always the number one priority for me. But as the truths came through in these songs of care, it was important for me to take a closer look at a ‘moment of change’ in my fabric, and perhaps that shift was one of the most important parts of the next chapter of my existence.

I was on the way to work a night shift when I learned I had ‘a cancer’ in my breast. I really thought it was the hospital calling to tell me I had to float to another unit or that we were overstaffed or something, but it turned out to be the results of a recent biopsy I’d had. Of course, having the biopsy alerted me to the possibility of such a situation but I had tucked it away as something I’d ‘hoped was wrong.’ But ‘I knew all along.’

I worked my shift that night with that new knowledge, and I couldn’t even speak of it because I would have fallen apart. I took care of my patients that night extra carefully and in the downtime googled reasons why I might have given this to myself. I had a hard night. I couldn’t call anyone. It may have been the longest night of my entire life.

The sun rises pretty early in May in Tennessee. The universe would have it that I saw the most beautiful sunrise that morning, and it couldn’t come soon enough. I was in a patient’s room with a spectacular view of the blossoming of that morning. Something whispered to me, ‘dear one, the work has just begun.’ I don’t know why or how but this comforted me. I knew everything was about to change. I knew it would be ‘hard to believe a new way to be’ but I also knew that I was loved and that somehow I was going to figure it out as soon as this shift was over.

In becoming a patient, I learned so much. It wasn’t easy to let others help me. I really struggled with that. It was also revealed to me how much I’ve been taught by my patients over the years. So many people I’ve cared for have shown such strength and resilience. I think in becoming a patient, I became a more compassionate nurse and as I healed from cancer, I also received a new outlook and appreciation for my life. It took some time but I was able to finally say having ‘a cancer’ was a gift that helped me appreciate my life more than ever.

“By the time the sun came up I knew, work had just begun. Work had just begun. It’s hard to believe a new way to be”